Congratulations! The award for the BEST story-teller goes to ……..YOU!! Before you write back saying I have the wrong person, let me explain.. We are constantly telling ourselves stories in our own heads! Every minute we tell ourselves a story to convince and validate our actions and reasoning and in essence guide our lives. Some common stories you may be familiar with are – I am not good enough, I do not have the time, I do not know how to do it, if I had everything that Sally had, then I could this, I am not gifted enough, I am not strong enough, I am unlucky…and so on and so forth..Sounds familiar? Has any of these stories every popped into your head at some point in your life?
Many of these stories have popped into my head at different times. I remember during the first semester of grad school, I hardly spoke up in class. The story in my head was I need to know all the information about the topic to speak up. Even if I did, then I may not be able to answer any follow-ups and my classmates would judge me and ridicule me. Such an unfounded fear, especially after having been in school and college for years before this!! But the story did its job. I was so skillful at telling myself that story, that I never did speak up. It took a while for me to realize that many of the other students ‘knew only as much’ as me but they were still brave enough to speak up. How did they do it? Because the story in their head was different. They were telling themselves a different story – this is a great opportunity to clarify what they know and improve and confirm their knowledge!
These stories are holding us back in life. They are sabotaging our growth in some cases. They are limiting our opportunities. Some people feel unloved and hold back in relationships because they have scripted a story of not being worthy of love. Stories are the reason that people stay in dead-end jobs for years and years,
– people stay stuck in abusive relations,
– people become addicts sometimes,
– people are afraid of commitment,
-people are unable to find time to exercise….all common symptoms of the stories that are playing in people’s heads.
The reason we script these stories the way we do, ties back to some neuro-association we made at a prior time in our lives. Research says most probably in our childhood. Maybe we saw our parents light up when we topped our grades. We then associated pleasing someone to mean perfectionism. Maybe we witnessed abusive relations and associated love with pain. Maybe someone said, John and Joe always do better than you at sports or music or studying at a young age and you associated that I am never going to be good enough like John. You get the idea.
These stories always have one of two endings – pain or pleasure. We don’t do something when we think it will cause pain in some form. Or we do something with the hope that it will produce pleasure. Tony Robbins says in order to change these stories in our heads, we have to make new neuro-associations. Associate not doing something (that needs to be done) to cause more pain than doing it. (That is a confusing sentence, ah?!). Why do people take drugs or smoke? Because they have repeatedly told themselves coupled with watching persuasive ads that smoking leads to momentary pleasure. Or my sweet tooth for that matter, has the same neuro-association of pleasure. In this case, I need to change the association to NOT eating sweets causes more pleasure than eating sweets.
Change these neuro-associations TO rescript the story in your head TO change the course of your life. Easier said than done, right?
Agreed. Nothing comes easy and if it does it will not last long.
So is there a way to make this change and have it sustain?
Yes Yes Yes!. First Address Your State of Mind. Change your mindset to be open to possibilities. Often, we are so comfortable with our story, like watching old reruns again and again that we don’t want to know there is an alternate possibility. We don’t want to watch a new movie or new series because we love the comfort of knowing what is to come in the old one. We love the feeling it had evoked once before, and do not want to risk not knowing if a new series will evoke the same feelings. (I am guilty of this too. Friends reruns is a guilty pleasure of mine). Knowing and accepting that there are other options and possibilities is the first step. Be open to the possibility that there could be a different story. Has this happened to you? You see someone you know at a party, Jani. Jani looks at you and you smile but she doesnt reciprocate. Immediately the story wheels spin in your head. Why didnt she smile back? What did i do to her? What’s her problem? She thinks no end of herself. Ever since she made friends with Samantha, she does not want to associate herself with others…and so on and so forth. Instead, imagine if you could spin a story like this -Jani must be tired or busy. Wonder if there is something that I could help her with.Let me approach her and ask her how she is doing. What a simple difference, but what a huge impact. So, open your mind to possibilities of what other stories you can spin for the same situation.
Next,Seek strategies for the Change. If you are trying to reduce eating sugar, seek out different strategies that may help. Maybe you like to only drink sweet tasting water and you can infuse your water with fresh fruits. Whatever it is you are trying, there are different strategies that people have tried.
Now Change the Association and Your Story. For me the pleasure of eating sweets used to offset the pain of gaining weight and becoming unhealthy. This is because I had given the pleasure story in my head way too much importance. I have now changed the story and given the pain story more importance. My grandmother recently passed away after a horrible stint with diabetes. I internalized her pain and experience to create a story that I do not want to experience that kind of pain. I have given this story a high importance factor in my head and often evoke this story now on purpose whenever I see a candy or anything that is sweet. I also have adopted a few other strategies to help sustain this change going forward.
Our mind is a powerhouse of imagination! Use it to concoct stories that help propel us forward in our lives and not hold us back.
What stories are holding you back in your life? How can you rescript that story ?
